


Saving my existence - Phan

by Psychotic_Cringer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Sex, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-05-06 03:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5400923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psychotic_Cringer/pseuds/Psychotic_Cringer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has existential crises and often finds himself useless. Phil is probably on the same boat as him. They try fixing each other's lives, slowly realizing that Love is the solution. Both of them have to decide, are they saving themselves, or is this love just drowning them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So this is my first time writing fanfiction of Phan. It's a little slow but progressively, it will get better =)

Chapter 1

Phil walked down the streets alongside PJ. Both were silent, pleasantly taking a nice stroll in the park. It was past midnight and snow was slowly starting to fall. Phil sighed, forming a mist with his breath.

"How's life with Chris?", Phil asked.

PJ gave him a small nod, " Great actually, with the moving in and all. But you on the other hand, need help. I suggest a relaxing holiday to help clear your head a bit."

Phil thought about it. Maybe PJ was right, he did need some form of relaxation. Everything was a blur, but everything happened in just one day. Phil was fired from his job, his girlfriend broke up with him and most unfortunate of all, his family was involved in a car accident, leaving nothing but their old apartment and money for the funeral. Phil wasn't even sure who to invite, considering that he had very few close relatives. All his life, it was just his parents, Martyn and Phil himself. But now he felt as if the world had come crashing at him, hopelessly making Phil as if he had no purpose in living anymore.

"You okay buddy?", PJ spoke.

"Yeah, Yeah. My house is just around the corner now. I should get going, thanks for the walk PJ," Phil said and gave his friend a hug.

"No problem, Phil. See you around."

With that, Phil slowly walked home into the apartment he had rented a few months ago. The place wasn't too shabby, and facilities provided in the neighbourhood were awesome. Opening the door to his room, he slumped on his bed and started planning the funeral and damn, it was hard. Not the planning of course, but the emotional pain of the very situation. His family died and he wasn't there to say one last goodbye. They were gone forever, leaving Phil all alone. Not to mention the horrible, horrible break up with Jessica. That only made him feel worse about himself. 

Sure enough, Phil took about two hours or so to get everything ready for the funeral in two days time. He made his way to the kitchen to grab a snack when he realized that he had eaten all of them already.

"Damn it," he cursed silently.

He quickly grabbed his wallet and walked down the street to the mini-mart that was thankfully open 24/7 . A few chocolate bars, cereal, chips, candies. Unhealthy, but necessary for binge watching several TV episodes, or maybe the whole series, on a late Saturday night. 

"Ah, Phil. That'd be 45 pounds, darling," the kind lady who worked there knew Phil all too well.

"Thanks, Belinda," he forced a smile.

He reached the apartment door in less than five minutes when he heard sobs coming from behind the building. Strange, he thought to himself. Hesitantly, he quietly walked up to where he heard the sounds from. Staring in the dark abyss of an alleyway, Phil squinted hard enough to make out what seemed like a silhouette of someone. Who in the world would be sitting there in the morning? Phil slowly approached the figure. 

"H-hello? Are y-you okay? Do you n-need help?" Phil stuttered helplessly.

He heard the person sniff. " Go away, I don't need your help or pity." 

Almost instantly, he perked up. What the hell?

Phil shone a dim light from the screen of his phone to see who exactly he was talking to. His face was extremely pale and badly bruised. He had obviously been crying because his eyes were swollen and his face was puffy. Phil bit his lip.

"I'm sorry but I can't just go and not do anything. You need serious help. Please just let me help."

"I said no," was all the stranger said before he started violently coughing. He seemed to be shivering too.

Phil, out of instinct, took off his jacket, placing it around the stranger. "Please? I don't think you should be out here this late... Alone."

The stranger paused for a second before nodding and sighing, probably too weak to argue. And Phil was thankful for that. Phil reached out to help him up and could feel him shiver. The stranger was ice cold to the touch. Carefully, Phil took small steps, guiding the stranger to his apartment. It was somewhat manageable until he reached the stairs. The flight of stairs seemed nearly impossible for the stranger to climb. 

"Hey it's gonna be too hard for you to make it up there. I'm gonna have to carry you up there," Phil told him.

He carried his bag of snacks around his shoulder and swooped down to carry the stranger bridal style. He was surprisingly lighter than he was expected. Phil slowly made his way up while the stairs and looked down to him. Why was he beaten up and out there alone? A million other questions burned in Phil's mind. But under the cuts and bruises, the stranger looked... Well, cute. His face was pressed against Phil's chest because he was cold but it didn't bother Phil at all. Besides, he stopped visibly shivering, which was a good thing.

He carefully place the stranger on his bed, mentioning that he would be back with some food and medicine. Thank god for those irrelevant first-aid lessons his mum used to send him to. He immediately dashed to grab some biscuits and water, along with his first-aid kit.

"Hey, I'm back... Oh," Phil muttered softly to himself.

In the few minutes where he was gone, the brunette had fallen asleep already. Placing the food aside, Phil decided it was still better if he cleaned the wounds first. Bacteria and all. He took the warm, damp towel and gently cleaned the boy's face. It was soft, like a new born baby's. When that was done, he applied the medicine and used a couple of plasters here and there. When all was done, Phil found himself staring at the stranger. His heart rate increased and there was somehow an uncomfortable feeling in his gut. A feeling he couldn't quite understand and describe all at once. 

He snapped out of his trance and sighed. Phil pulled the blanket over the brunette, making sure that he was kept warm for the night. And before he left, he had to simply swipe the brunette's fringe to the left. 

He had slept on the couch that night, leaving Phil to think and dream about the mysterious, brown-haired boy.

 

.

.

.

Hey Guys! So, new account, new story. Yeah. I feel that this story may be a little slow, but progressively, it should be better. Note that this story has a few smutty and angsty sides. Because, I freaking love angst. Okay, thanks for reading! 

 

-Queen Psyc


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little short moment when Dan is awake wile Phil sees what's wrong with his new friend.

Chapter 2 

Phil was some what still awake in the wee hours of the morning. He was tired and tried getting some sleep once again, only to be interrupted by a shout coming from his room. Was it that dude? Phil quickly shuffled to his feet. 

"N-no, please! Don't a-anymore... "

Phil stood beside him unsure of what exactly he should do. Clearly, the boy was having a really bad nightmare. Beads of sweat covered his forehead and his breathing rate was pretty fast. 

"Hey,hey," Phil tried waking him up.

Still not awake.

"Hey! Please I need you to wake up-"

This time, the boy shouted again and shot up wide awake. He hugged his knees together, curling up into a ball. Relief filled Phil, while he looked at the boy with sad eyes. What could've been so bad in his nightmare? Phil carefully took a seat on the crook of his bed, his eyes never leaving the poor boy.

"Hey..? Are you fine?"

All a sudden, the boy lashed out on Phil. "Am I okay?! Do I fucking look fine to you, you bastard?! I was fine before you fucking came and brought me to your shitty apartment!"

Phil was dumbfounded. What was this kid going on about?

"S-sorry? I saved your life! You should thanking me, you know."

The boy turned away." You could've let me to die there you idiot..."

Phil shook his head and sighed heavily. He tugged the boy to face him, determination filled within him. Phil could've probably tell that this boy in front of him was already scarred beyond his imagination. 

"Fine, I'm a big asshole or idiot. But at least I have the brains to know that suicide isn't the right way out. And I can't just let you die. Not on my watch," Phil told him, probably a little too seriously because he looked intimidated as hell.

"W-why do you care so much?", the boy asked.

Phil opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again without saying anything, making the brunette laugh. Phil ended up giggling too.

"But seriously though, I should go-"

"Go no where. You're staying here for the time being, yeah?"

Phil knew the boy was debating in his head, so he simply walked up and gave him a hug. 

"Please? Only because you're unwell and I care about you... I guess...", Phil trailed off awkwardly.

The brunette was blushing furiously now, luckily Phil wasn't facing him. He nodded and felt Phil smile. They pulled out from the hug eventually.

"Dan Howell," the brunette finally introduced himself.

"Phil Lester."

"Great, it's still early and I'm tired and there's a fucking thunderstorm right now," Dan said slowly,

Phil shot him a confused look. Apparently, Dan was afraid of thunderstorms.

"Phil! Stop laughing, it's not funny when it scares you half to death," Dan crossed his arms and pouted.

"Alright then," Phil jumped across and plopped himself right beside Dan on his bed,"I'll be right here beside you, you silly hat."

Phil pulled Dan close, right up to his chest, despite Dan constantly struggling to get away. Of course, Phil left Dan with no choice but to sleep beside him, making Dan go crimson red again. 

"You comfortable Dan?"

"Y-yea, t-thanks for this, P-Phil...", Dan answered and immediately shut his eyes.

"Night Dan," Phil said and planted a kiss and the brunette's head.

It didn't take very long for Phil to doze off, but Dan was still thinking. Thinking of this man who somehow cared for him even though he had met him for less than a day. All of it was just too much to register all at once, especially since he had been through a lot recently. Dan felt Phil tighten his hug and decided sleep was inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arghhh such a lousy and short chapter I know, but I'm sick and really busy. So so so sorry :( 
> 
> -Queen Pysc


	3. Chapter 3- Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil finds out what happens to Dan

The chirps of birds woke Dan up. By the looks of it, noon was approaching them. Just before he got up, he took a moment to look at the older man. He looked peaceful and years younger. He even looked attractive if Dan were to be honest with himself. He stared at Phil's sleeping form for probably too long.

"Morning Danny," Phil greeted suddenly, smirking as he did.

Phil had known that Dan had been staring at him. Dan got startled and immediately looked down, embarrassed. He swore he was blushing hard again and cursed silently.

"Hey, you slept well?", Phil asked.

"Y-yeah...", was all Dan could manage.

Phil frowned," You sure?", he lifted Dan's chin gently, forcing the brunette to look into his eyes.

Eyes that Dan found himself loving, that is.

"You're blushing," Phil stated, chuckling lightly.

Dan eyes widened and he untangled himself from Phil's hold. "Excuse me."

The house was a little too confusing for Dan because before he could run to the toilet, Phil was standing at it's entrance. Dan unconsciously bit his lip, running his fingers through his hair.

"Need to use the bathroom?", Phil asked.

Dan nodded and tried walking past Phil, however Phil wouldn't have it that way. With one swift move, he pinned Dan on the wall, slowly inching closer to his face.

"W-what do y-you want..?", Dan asked timidly.

"Nothing much, just want to take a closer look at you. Have we met before? As cliché as it sounds, I think we've met each other before."

Dan shook his head and squeezed his way out of Phil's grip, shutting the door quickly behind him. What was Phil's deal? Dan took in deep breaths, trying to stop his heart from rapidly racing. Was he attracted to Phil? He felt crazy because he had just met Phil, but he couldn't shake the feeling that he'd somehow met Phil before too.

"Wake up Daniel. Stop it," he silently told himself.

Meanwhile, Phil sat down in the lounge with his coffee, picking up his phone to answer PJ's phone call.

"Hey PJ, what's up?"

"Nah, just checking on you. See you tomorrow, yeah?"

Phil sighed," 'course. Anyways, can I ask something personal? You know, since we're friends and all."

He could feel PJ's frown," Which is?"

"About you and Chris. Who tops and bottoms?"

"What the ever freaking hell, Phil?", PJ scoffed.

Phil laughed," so?"

PJ shook his head," that's for me to know. And I know you Phil, who is it this time?"

"I dunno. He appeared yesterday- found him in an alleyway, and now he's staying here."

"What the hell, mate? He could be a serial killer for all you know!"

Phil shrugged," he kinda looks like the vulnerable one here. I think he tried attempting suicide last night. If it wasn't for me, I don't know what'll happen to him."

PJ took a moment before replying to his friend. "I dunno mate, you've been in a lot of unsuccessful relationships. Last thing you'll want is-"

"This is different PJ. I can't put it into words but he... It's like I've known him forever although we've only met yesterday. And I'm only saying this because we're close, but I've got this really weird and strong urge to dominate him."

"Chris and I have somewhere we need to be now. But I'll say one thing before I leave and that's : be careful. And are you obsessed with 50 shades or something? Dominate, what the hell Phil. Bye-"

The line went dead. As if on queue, Dan appeared at the corner of the entrance. Phil smiled and went to get a plate of pancakes for him, along with coffee.

"T-thanks," Dan murmured.

Phil nodded and laid back on the couch, watching Dan like a hawk. Of course, Dan was blushing again. Who wouldn't when someone keeps staring at you?

"You're blushing again," Phil chuckled.

"Well yeah, y-you keep looking at me."

"Problem with that?"

"No just...", Dan trailed off, playing with his food.

Phil laughed and shook his head. " So what's your story?"

Dan shot him a look. What story?

"Tell me why I found you almost dying in that alleyway last night."

Dan clenched his fists and took a deep breath. Could he trust Phil? Or maybe he should lie and get the fuck out of here.

"Don't try to lie, Dan. I'm not some criminal or something, you know," Phil simply said.

" I ran away from home."

Phil's slowly nodded his head. "And?"

"And I ran all the way here because I was a coward that couldn't freaking face my own reality and you really should have fucking left me there," his voice started rising at the end.

"That's very vague, Dan. And no, I think I made the right decision. You seem too precious not to be saved, Danny," Phil chuckled and hugged onto a pillow.

Dan groaned and glared at Phil. "Oh yeah?! If I'm precious then why the hell is my father always beating the shit out me? Why did the only person I love fucking leave me? Why am I always being told that I'm just a useless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to live!"

Dan felt hot, stinging tears forming but he didn't care anymore. He needed to let it all out to someone, even if Phil didn't know who he was. Tears flowed down his cheeks and he closed his eyes tightly, curling up into a ball, feeling small once again.

Phil sighed, standing up to get to Dan. He wrapped his arms around Dan once again, feeling how cold he was. But all Dan could do was shake violently to the point where he was starting to suffocate.

"Dan? Dan! I need you to breathe," Phil looked Dan in the eyes in an attempt to calm him down.

"I-I'm sorry I j-just-"

"Dan, don't apologise. Just take deep breaths please."

Dan tried to calm down again. Breathe in and out Daniel, stop being such a useless dick. "Okay... Okay..."

Phil sighed and hugged him once again, patting his back gently. He waited till Dan was calm before continuing.

"Hey," Phil faced Dan," you're not useless or whatever you said okay? What'd I tell you last night? Who cares if your lover left you, you gotta move on. And I may not know much about your dad, but screw him. He hasn't got any right to hit you, has he?"

Dan shrugged, looking down again. He felt too ashamed to look at Phil in the eye right now.

"Dan look at me," Phil laughed and lifted his chin to meet his brown eyes.

"Everything's going to be fine. Forget about your past life. Look forward to every new day, it's like a new beginning. Promise me you'll stop thinking of ending your life?", Phil sort of begged.

Dan looked at Phil. "Why do you even care?"

Phil shrugged. "I just do. Please, Dan. It scares me to think that you'll probably kill yourself one day..."

Dan sighed. Maybe it was worth a shot to try living. "Okay."

"So... Are you going back? Say you'll stay here, I kinda need a flat mate", Phil asked with puppy eyes.

"Uh I um- well..." Should I? Dan wondered.

"Well?"

"Mm... Fine," Dan answered with an adorable grin.

"Oh yeah!"

"But all my stuff's not here."

Phil rolled his eyes,"we'll just get it tomorrow at your house then."

Dan gulped," sure..? "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go =)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil finally shows how he feels about Dan.

Phil opened his eyes. It was the day of the funeral. It was only going to be him, PJ and Chris. A simple funeral was all he needed anyways. It was 6 in the morning when he got ready. He wore a black suit and took a last glance at a sleeping Dan. Surely he wouldn't be up that early. Sighing, he quietly left the apartment to attend his family's funeral.

Sure enough, it didn't take very long. He paid his final visit to them before the burial started. He kept it all in. No crying, no signs of weakness, nothing. It was as if he was emotionless.

"You alright, Phil? You haven't said anything," Chris was worried for his friend.

"Yeah I am don't worry guys," Phil flashed them a weak smile.

PJ and Chris nodded, gesturing for them all to leave. They went to a small cafe nearby and got coffee.

"There's someone staying at yours now? Or so I've heard," Chris started the conversation.

I smiled at PJ and turned to face Chris,"yeah, his name's Dan."

"And Phil's officially in to that Dan guy," PJ rolled his eyes playfully.

Phil laughed,"What's wrong with that?"

"What's wrong is you don't even know who he is, Phil. All I'm saying is that he may not be your soulmate," PJ warned.

Phil simply shrugged at the comment. His phone buzzed.

'Hey Phil, where are you?'

He quickly replied.

'I'll explain later, I'm coming home now'

"I'll be heading home now, good luck on your honeymoon," Phil smirked and waved goodbye to his friends.

Back home, Dan washed up himself and sat down watching some anime. When was the last time he caught up with his anime? Felt like forever. Minutes later, he heard the doors unlocked and Phil appeared soon after.

"Morning," Phil said.

"Where were you?"

"My family's funeral," Phil stated nonchalantly.

Dan got alarmed. "What?"

"They died the day I found you. It's nothing though, don't worry about it."

Dan scoffed, "why didn't you wake me up to at least attend it with you?"

Phil shrugged. "Like I said, don't worry about it. Anyways let's go get your stuff."

"N-now?", Dan started stammering.

Phil nodded and stood up, calling Dan to hurry. Dan gulped and started getting nervous. Once they were in his car, Dan started instructing Phil on the directions.

"You ran very far," Phil commented.

Dan just kept quite for the whole ride. The last thing Dan wanted was to go back. He didn't want to face his father at all, especially since he ran away first.

The car screeched to a halt and both men walked out. Dan took a key from under the carpet and slowly unlocked the door. If he was lucky, his dad wouldn't be at home.

"Alright, my bedroom's upstairs," Dan said in a hushed voice.

Phil frowned and followed suit. His bedroom was surprisingly neat despite it being slightly cramped. With each other's help, Dan got everything he needed as quickly as he had hoped for.

"Come on let's go," Dan hurriedly said.

"Daniel you little shit, where are you going now?", a raspy voice appeared out of nowhere.

Both Phil and Dan turned to face an alcoholic man who wasn't sober one bit.

"I'm 24 dad, I'm leaving this hellhole," Dan spoke in an ominously low voice.

"Oh yeah? No fucking chance of it you twat. How dare you even fucking run away?!", Mr Howell spat in Dan's face and raised a hand, about to hit Dan.

In a split second, Phil stepped in front of Dan, taking the blow. Dan opened his eyes wide, surprised.

"Who the fuck are you? What are you doing with my son?", he asked, clearly irritated.

"Whoever I am, at least I care about Dan unlike you. You're a horrible person, by the way. Let's go Dan," Phil said firmly and grabbed Dan's hand.

They left the Howell household and immediately drove off. Dan crossed his arms and remained silent again. How would Phil take this? He got hit because of Dan, but he hasn't said anything. If anything, Dan was getting worried again.

Back home, Phil took off jumper in his room. The bruise was definitely prominent. Sighing, Phil slumped down on his bed.

"Ow ow ow bad idea...", Phil winced in pain.

A knock on the door. Phil told Dan to come in and the brunette awkwardly said hi to Phil.

"Medication for the bruise. Just apply it... I'm so sorry," Dan looked down and sniffed.

Had he been crying? Phil wondered.

"Dan, I'm fine. It's just a small bruise. But thanks anyways," Phil smiled.

"How can you still be so carefree?!", Dan blurted out.

"Sorry?"

Dan frowned." My dad freaking hit you! And you'll probably know how much of a loser I am now... Why do you still help me?"

"Because I'm a nice person," Phil replied casually, rubbing the ointment on his neck.

Dan groaned, annoyed. "I should just fucking leave."

Phil looked at Dan. He grabbed the brunette by his wrist and pinned him on the bed. Dan wriggled while Phil topped.

"P-Phil I-I-"

Phil interrupted Dan by connecting their lips together. It was sweet and lingering, and Dan tentatively returned the kiss. Phil deepened the kiss and pressed their bodies together. Dan gripped onto Phil's back and Phil's fingers ran through Dan's brown hair. Reluctantly, Phil pulled apart for air. Both of them panted heavily.

"That's why I care about you," Phil told Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayeeeeee Phan moments <3 Sorry if sentences sound weird whatsoever, it's beacuse I'm too busy to edit...


	5. Chapter 5- Fear

Dan blinked. He had kissed Phil. Like kissed, kissed Phil. How was he supposed to react? He'd like Phil, that was for sure. But was he ready? He had only met Phil and now the older man was suggesting that they should be in a relationship. He stared deep into Phil's beautiful orbs, lost for words.

"I don't need a definite answer now, Dan," Phil said.

"Oh?", Dan felt himself turning into a tomato again. You have to stop blushing Dan!

Phil chuckled." You're all red again."

"O-only because y-you kissed me...", Dan pouted, eyes shifting away.

Phil smirked." Did you not like it?"

"N-no! I-I mean it was just... I don't know...", Dan managed to terribly stutter.

Phil dipped his head once again, reconnecting their lips. Dan was shocked but quickly returned the kiss. It was more sloppier than their first, but all the same. Phil subtly licked Dan's lip, and Dan opened his mouth, allowing Phil entrance. Dan couldn't help but moan softly. As of right now, he could feel his bulge slowly growing and he was freaking turned on. Seizing this opportunity, Phil smirked and rubbed their groins against each other, causing Dan to perk up his back.

"Mngh...", Dan was slowly reaching his point.

Phil pulled away, laughing. Dan frowned.

"I'm going to work on something now. See you later, Danny," Phil teased and messed up Dan's hobbit hair.

Phil casually walked out, leaving Dan alone to think. So did he have feelings for Phil? Most definitely, yes. But he was confused. Was Phil just thinking of playing with him? Or was all that seriously taken by Phil? Dan scratched his head with his fingers while groaning.

Meanwhile, Phil set up his camera, getting prepared to film another video. Microphone? Check. Camera? Functioning.

"Hey guys!", Phil started recording the video.

It was a simple Q&A that he decided working on. It wasn't long before he was finished. All that was left was the editing process which he kind of loathed but it was nevertheless necessary. YouTube was going to be his job now.

He glanced over to he clock. It was about 6 now and he was starting to get hungry. He walked over to Dan's room, giving his door a soft knock.

"Dan?"

No response.

"Dan, you there? I was thinking about dinner," Phil said loudly.

"D-don't come in! I'm not hungry, go without me," Dan lied.

He stared at his bloody thighs and arms. Fuck. The last thing he wanted was for Phil to see this. He was in a state of panic and stress and he couldn't think straight.

"Dan? You alright in there? You don't sound so good."

Dan took a couple of tissues and quickly dabbed off the blood he hid the blade in his cabinet and rolled down his black jumper.

"I-I'm fine Phil, really."

"I'm coming in," Phil insisted and opened the door slowly.

Dan who was lying on his bed, hugging his pillow. Phil looked at him expectantly. Dan raised his eyebrows.

"What?"

"Why are you so silent?", Phil asked suspecting something.

"Aren't I always? Anyways, let's order some Chinese takeaway if you want, I'm fine with almost everything," Dan rambled on.

"If you say so," Phil shrugged it off and took out his phone to start ordering.

That was close... Thought Dan.

Not long after, dinner came and both men ate in the lounge, watching some baking show.

"You need a drink?", Dan asked.

"Yeah, Ribena please."

Dan made his way to the kitchen. Sighing loudly, he rolled up his sleeves to see a bloody stain. He opened the tap to wash off the dried blood. It hurt, but the pain was worth it. He wiped his arms quickly before turning around. He jumped slightly at the sight of Phil at the glass door.

"P-Phil... Yeah, I was just about to-"

Phil cut him off."Roll up your sleeves. Now"

Dan started panicking. This was bad."W-what for? Don't be silly Phil-"

"I'm being serious," Phil frowned.

Dan gulped and started placing his hands behind his back. Phil sighed and stepped forward, carefully taking Dan's hand and rolling up his sleeves. Phil couldn't believe it. The cuts were actually deep. Dan didn't just graze the surface of his skin. These cuts were legitimate deep cuts that would most probably hurt like a bitch. Phil looked at Dan with sad eyes.

"Dan..."

Dan tried holding back but he couldn't. He started sobbing again.

"I-I'm sorry. I k-know I'm a horrible person. I know your mad at me but please I just-"

Dan tried explaining but Phil interrupted him again by hugging him. Dan melted and broke down in Phil's embrace. Phil was taller which not only made Dan feel small, but he started getting insecure and unsafe again. Dan tried pushing Phil away but the taller male wouldn't budge.

"Come on," Phil sighed and guided Dan to his bedroom.

Phil gestured for Dan to sit while he rummaged through his cupboard to find his first aid kit. Found it. He walked to Dan who was fidgeting and staring into blank space. Dan was seriously pale now, afraid of what Phil was going to think.

"Give me your hands," Phil instructed Dan.

He applied some sort of cream that made Dan involuntarily wince. "Sorry, just a bit more."

Dan nodded and looked away. It seemed harder to look at Phil now.

"Alright Dan. Please look at me," Phil said.

Dan just couldn't look at Phil. He was too ashamed to. Phil held Dan's chin so that Dan could face him. 

"Danny."

Dan blushed and bit his lip slowly looking at Phil. He had to admit, he sort of liked it when Phil called him that. Phil smirked and cupped his face. Dan finally looked at Phil in the eyes. Leaning in, Phil gently kissed Dan. Dan sighed at the contact and returned the kiss almost instantly. But it didn't last very long.

"Why did you do it?", Phil asked in a hushed voice.

Dan pursed his lips and shrugged. "I don't know. And it's normal alright, it's not like I'll die; the cuts aren't that deep."

Phil shook his head." Dan those are deep, don't lie to yourself please."

Dan sighed and looked at his arms. Maybe they were that bad.

"I'm not saying or asking you to stop cutting all at once, I know it's not easy. But I'm gonna help you bit by bit. Whenever you feel like cutting, just call me alright? I'll be here for you, no matter what," Phil assured Dan.

Dan was close to tears again." I... I'm dunno..."

"Why so?"

Dan cringed. It wasn't long ago when Shawn had once promised something like this to Dan before. Took Dan a while before he knew Shawn had been lying to him this whole time.

"My ex," Dan let out a shaky breath.

"If you're uncomfortable about it, then don't talk about it-"

If held out a hand." It's fine."

"His name was Shawn, met him in university. At first we were friends but soon, obviously we became more than that. We spent a lot of time together and all. He even knew about my cutting problem and promised he would... That he'd never leave me. He was my first love, basically my everything. Then one night I had a really bad break down. I tried calling him but he didn't answer."

Phil held Dan's hands tighter, listening intently.

"Then I panicked. That's how I got this scar here," Dan explained and lifted up his shirt, revealing a scar below his ribs.

"Then suddenly, he appeared in my room while I was in the toilet. But he wasn't alone. T-there was another guy with him. Apparently, they were drunk as well. Before I could say anything, they... They attacked me... I felt helpless. I couldn't scream, I couldn't fight back... Nothing. The next morning, all he did was laugh and called me a slut before leaving," a single tear left Dan's eye and his voice became shaky.

Phil hugged him tightly and lied on the bed, cuddling him. He stroked Dan's hair softly and planted a kiss on his head. " I'm so sorry that happened Dan. I wished I was there to protect you."

And Phil meant it. Dan got raped and he didn't even say anything to anyone. Phil's heart felt broken just by listening to Dan's story.

" It's not our fault Phil. Besides you're here now right?"

"Here forever and always, Dan."

Dan let out a contented sigh and snuggled closer to Phil. He could hear Phil's heartbeat beating softly. Phil simultaneously pulled Dan impossibly closer to him.

"Thank you Phil, I mean it. And um Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"I- nothing...", Dan trailed off blushing.

"You silly oaf," Phil chuckled.

Dan giggled too and closed his eyes.

"Sooo, about what I asked you earlier today," Phil started.

"It's a yes, now shut up and sleep with me tonight," Dan said with instant regret. Who talks like that to your new boyfriend?

"M'kay then," Phil said as he switched off the lights, holding on to Dan's smaller form.

"Good night Dan."

"Mnnf," Dan was already half asleep. " 'night."

Phil smiled. "Love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe leave a comment? :)


	6. Chapter 6- Occurence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil gives Dan a little something :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little mature content teehee

It had been a whole full month since Dan moved in with Phil. Things were great for Phil, and getting better for Dan. He was cutting lesser and lesser, and most importantly he felt loved by Phil. Although, he hadn't said it back to Phil yet. And Phil was patient. He knew Dan needed time to recover from a broken and shattered heart, recover from the traumatic incident caused by Shawn.

"Hey, PJ and Chris are dying to see you," Phil laughed.

Dan sipped on his hot chocolate. "Oh? Let's fix a day where I can meet them then."

"Like what, a double date?", Phil laughed.

Dan laughed and shrugged." Maybe."

Phil rolled his eyes and left the room to get his phone.

"Hey Phil, haven't seen you in a while," PJ greeted.

"Hey! Um I've been good, just wondering if tomorrow would be a suitable time to meet up."

"With Dan?", PJ asked excitedly.

"Mhm," Phil replied.

"Awesome! See y'all tomorrow at noon? We could go for lunch then a movie or something," PJ suggested.

"See you then," Phil put down his phone.

Dan peeped into Phil's bedroom, curious to see what his boyfriend was up to. Phil smiled and rolled his eyes. "Dan I can see you."

"Whatcha you doing?", Dan asked in an innocent tone.

"Come here," Phil opened his arms and laid on his bed.

Dan happily agreed and laid there with Phil, playing with Phil's fingers.

"We're having that double date tomorrow. We'll leave around 11 in the morning," Phil explained.

"Mmm," Dan replied attempting to kiss Phil.

"Nuh-uh, I've got a video to start on," Phil smirked.

"Phiiil, " Dan whined and pouted on purpose.

"I need money, don't I? Especially for-", Phil stopped.

Dan looked at Phil confused. "For what?"

"Food," Phil lied smoothly.

In actual fact, Phil was saving for a fancy date on a small cruise ship for Dan. It was going to be their first month of their relationship and Phil wanted to give Dan a surprise.

"Mm, can't you just lie with me here? Pwetty, pwetty pwease?", Dan pouted again.

Phil playfully rolled his eyes. " It's hard to say no if you keep doing that."

Dan giggled, planting kisses on Phil's neck. Phil loved it when he did that. Dan soon found his way to Phil's lips and Phil gave in. He shifted his body so that Dan was below him. Phil held onto Dan's wrists, preventing Dan from moving.

Phil planted kisses on Dan's neck which made him shudder with pleasure. He lifted Dan's black tee, kissing his chest. Phil licked Dan's nipple and playfully gave it a light nip.

" God Phil," Dan moaned out loud.

Phil smirked, doing the same to the other nipple. It was fun to see his boyfriend helpless and shaking with pleasure beneath him. Slowly, he made his way down to Dan's waist and smirked when he saw the bulge growing in Dan's jeans. He unzipped his boyfriend's jeans and pulled down Dan's underwear without warning. Dan shut his eyes while letting Phil take control. Phil teased Dan with his finger, stroking Dan's growing member softly and slowly. Dan wriggled and let out a shaky breath.

"Stop shaking Dan," Phil said in a low voice.

Dan immediately obeyed, biting his lip. Phil was just enjoying his power at this point. Giving it a few more slow strokes, he dipped his head, taking in the whole thing. Dan jerked up in sheer pleasure at the sudden contact. Phil bobbed his head up and down, sucking hard.

"OhmygodPhil," Dan said out of breath.

Phil smirked and licked the head of Dan's dick, mischievously slipping his tongue into the small slit.

"Phil I-I think I'm g-gonna-"

Phil gave Dan one last hard suck before Dan exploded in him. Phil readily swallowed everything and licked of every last bit. He crawled back to give Dan a chaste kiss.

"I think I'll just do the video another day," Phil said.

"Yeah...", Was all Dan could manage as he started dozing off.

Phil chuckled at his adorable boyfriend and pulled the covers over them. He kissed Dan's head, spooning him to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7- Lunch

"Michael Lester if you don't hurry we're going to be late," Dan reminded Phil as he walked down the stairs.

Phil tangled his hair in his straighteners. Wow. He tried pulling his hair out painfully. They were seriously going to be late.

"Oi!"

"Yeah I know, gimme a minute. My hairs stuck- Ow!", Phil flinched.

Dan appeared at Phil's door and laughed at his boyfriend's stupidity. He stepped forward and took the straighteners from Phil and untangled his hair.

"Alright you idiot, now let's get a move on," Dan laughed and walked out.

Phil quickly kept the straighteners while smiling to himself. Dan was laughing more often and he almost seemed happier and contented with life. It was a hell lot better than when he first met him. The improvement was good. Jogging out, Phil caught up with Dan and planted a small kiss on the cheek before setting out.

"Where's Phil?", PJ asked.

"I dunno- Oh, there," Chris pointed.

Dan tugged Phil's sleeve." Are you sure this is a good idea? I'm like the worst and most awkward human ever..."

Phil smiled sweetly at Dan." They're going to love you, Dan. Don't worry." But not more than I love you, Phil silently thought.

"Hey guys! PJ and Chris, this is Dan," Phil gladly introduced.

"Hey," Dan waved awkwardly waved at them.

"Ah, the mysterious Dan that Phil never stops talking about," PJ rolled his eyes Phil.

Dan giggled and shook his head, hugging Phil's arm. Phil looked down and blushed.

"Enough small chatter guys, I'm freaking starving," Chris said.

Lunch was a breeze and Dan clicked with them fast. Turns out that they had a few common interests and they soon became friends.

"So you and Chris are married right? You both seem young," Dan asked.

PJ smiled at his husband. "Yeah, we are. We're not that young... Anyways, I love him. I'd figured we didn't have forever to wait. So why not live with the one you love now."

Chris blushed bright red and slapped PJ's shoulders lightly. "That's fucking cheesy, Peej."

"But it's the truth," PJ kissed Chris.

Phil sighed at the cute couple and Dan held onto Phil's hand, smiling as well. It was truly a great double date so far.

"Where is the toilet in this place?", Dan politely asked.

Chris stood up. "I'll bring you there, I need to use the toilet too. Excuse us."

Phil nodded and picked up his pasta with his fork. PJ chuckled, earning a look from Phil.

"Have you done it with Dan yet?", PJ cheekily asked.

Phil almost spit out his food. "What even?"

"The last you asked me who topped and bottomed, Phil. Why can't I ask you this," PJ smirked.

Phil rolled his eyes," Well PJ, no we haven't. We just got together, mind you. I want to take things slow with him. As long as he's comfortable, I'm happy."

PJ was impressed. "Wow, mature thinking Phil."

"Haha PJ. Thanks 'best friend'."

When Chris and Dan came back, they finished their lunch and headed for a movie. As if it couldn't get more cliché, PJ and Chris spent almost the whole movie making out with each other.

Evening eventually came and they said their goodbyes.

"Bye Phil and good luck," PJ winked.

Dan raised a brow. Phil waved goodbye and started walking with Dan's hand in his.

"Where to?"

Phil smiled, "it's a surprise. Come on."

Dan excitedly followed Phil. Somehow, they ended up somewhere dark and Dan started to get anxious. He hated the dark.

"P-Phil? It's really dark now. In case you didn't know-"

Phil held Dan close, arm around his waist. "I know you're scared of the dark, Danny. Bear with it for a while more, we're getting there."

Dan pursed his lips tightly. Where on earth was Phil bringing him to?  
They turned into a creepy alleyway and Phil covered Dan's eyes with his hands.

"Close your eyes and then turn left," Phil whispered.

Dan did exactly as Phil told him to. Once Phil lifted his hands, Dan's eyes immediately focused on what was in front of him. It was perfect.

"I know you told me about that cruise date thing before but I was kinda low on cash because of debts and rent," Phil admitted embarrassingly.

"Phil I-"

"But! I tried, okay? I know it's just a dinner near the sea side but the view's pretty great at night and I mean the setting pretty neat right? It's not a fancy date with a fancy setting but -"

Dan cut him off with a sweet kiss. He wrapped his arms around Phil, tip-toeing to deepen the kiss.

When they finally pulled away, Dan squeezed Phil tightly.

"Stop rambling you piece of shit, I love it; it's perfect. I don't need a fancy dinner or executive planning whatsoever. All I need is you, Phil. Come on, I wanna eat," Dan smiled like an idiot and dragged Phil to the dinner set up.

It was a table for two, dimly lit by a fancy looking candle. Roses and other beautiful flowers were placed around the area and soft music could be heard in the background. And the view was great, and there was a cool sea breeze blowing softy.

"The food should be here in a few minutes," Phil said.

Dan nodded, smiling to himself. Phil had to be the single most amazingly sweet person ever.

"You know you didn't have to do this for us right?", Dan told Phil.

"Don't be silly," Phil replied," it's the least I could do. But anyways, we're going there to spend the night."

Dan turned around to see where Phil was pointing towards. It was a hotel that stood out with bright lights and what seemed like artistic imprints on the facade of the building. Dan blushed. Why would Phil choose such a grand place to spend the night? Unless...

Dinner came and they spent their time having small talk and enjoying the beautiful view of the sunset. Soon, nightfall came and they were done with their food.

"Alright Dan, not too much wine alright? You can't hold your liquor very well," Phil quietly warned.

Dan nodded, already starting to feel tipsy. They left the table, heading towards the massive hotel. Phil placed his arm around Dan's shoulders protectively. This place seriously needed some lighting because it was dark as hell.

"Mm, Phil let's quickly get out of this place. It gives me the creeps," Dan whispered.

"Yeah yeah, I know babe. Just a bit more till we get there. I know," Phil said as he suddenly got on his knees.

"Climb on, I'll give you a piggyback," Phil suggested, pulling Dan to get on his back.

Dan laughed and readily agreed. Phil ran through the dimly lit park towards the hotel.

"Jesus Phil, slow down," Dan laughed and held on to Phil for dear life.

"Alright we're here!", Phil panted with exhaustion and carefully let Dan down.

"I'm doing that to you next time," Dan playfully rolled his eyes.

They checked in at the counter and made their way up.


	8. Chapter 8- Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead! A horribly written one excuse me............

Phil closed the door behind him and locked the door. Dan looked around. The room was lovely with the lights dimly lit for the occasion and scented candles set. Dan's heart skipped a beat. Was he ready for this with Phil? Surely Phil wouldn't have brought him all the way here just to cuddle.

"It's lovely," Dan commented and sat on the bed.

"Glad you like it," Phil smiled, placing himself on the bed as well.

He held Dan's warm hands and looked at Dan lovingly.

"I know it's only been a month since we became, well, a thing. But I think I got to know you a little better, day by day. I don't know if you feel the same because all of this is happening so fast but... From the bottom of my heart one thing's clear. I love you, Dan. More than you could ever imagine. I swore to protect you and I will, forever," Phil confessed.

Dan was close to tears again. "You're so fucking cheesy, Phil. But whatever, I love you too."

With that, Phil sealed their with a passionate kiss. Dan slowly laid on the bed, with Phil on top of him. It was going so well before Dan stopped.

"P-Phil, I'm sorry I...", Dan looked down, trying to hold back his tears.

Phil cupped Dan's face, sweeping his hair with the other hand. "Shh, it's fine Dan, we can take it slowly. There's no need to rush things."

"That's not the point, Phil... You... You could deserve so much more than me. Just look at me!", Dan yelled at Phil, hot tears forming by now.

Dan stripped down to only his boxers, revealing scars Phil had never seen before. They were prominent, that's one thing, but Phil didn't care. Dan stood in a corner of the room, slowly curling into a small ball, crying his heart out, calling himself hurtful things.

Phil rolled off the bed, placing his arms tightly around Dan. His heart broke whenever he saw Dan in pain.

"Dan please stop... Hey, hey stop crying Dan, look at me," Phil whispered.

"W-why should I?", Dan cried.

"Because I love you," Phil said and turned Dan's face to kiss him.

"Let's talk on the bed okay?", Phil gently held Dan is his arms, leading him to the bed.

Dan sniffed and nervously looked at Phil. Phil sat across Dan, holding and playing with Dan's fingers.

"I don't care about the scars, Dan," Phil started. "Neither should you. These scars were a thing of the past. I'm so proud that you've stop cutting Dan, I really am. These scars don't define you, just leave them, alright? Because I swear with all my heart, I'll love you, even if you're covered with them. I wouldn't care. I love you because you're Daniel Howell, the man I love and my soulmate, best friend, my everything."

Dan bit his lip and lunged himself towards Phil, hugging and burying his face in Phil's chest.

"I'm s-sorry Phil...", Dan choked out.

Phil chuckled and planted kisses on Dan's head and hugged him tightly. "Don't apologise, you didn't do anything wrong."

"I ruined this night that you tried to make perfect."

Phil smiled and looked at Dan. "It's always perfect as long as you're here."

He leaned in and Dan reciprocated. Phil shifted himself on top of Dan, kissing him gently. Dan held onto Phil's sides, pulling him closer as Phil deepened the kiss. Cautiously, Phil removed his shirt and pants, with the help of Dan. Soon, both of them were only in their undergarments, feverishly kissing each other. Dan let out a moan at the contact of their growing erections.

Phil sucked on Dan's neck, making sure to leave a mark the next day. Dan closed his eyes and shook with pleasure. Phil slowly removed Dan's boxers, along with his, freeing them both from their painful erections. Still kissing Dan, Phil made his hands busy by stroking Dan's member. Dan started panting short quick breaths, enjoying what Phil was doing to him.

"P-Phil please...", Dan panted.

"Please what hun'?", Phil whispered seductively.

"Make l-love to me, I need you," Dan begged.

"You sure? I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

Dan nodded. "I'm ready, Phil."

Phil nodded and reached out to grab a bottle of lubricant. "Turn around, love."

Dan turned around, closing his eyes.

"I'm going to stretch you first okay? Please tell me if you're in pain. I want this to be perfect for you, alright?"

Dan nodded and Phil planted a kiss on his cheek. He poured out a suitable amount of lubricant and inserted a finger in, slowly moving his finger in and out. He inserted a second finger, starting to scissor Dan's hole. Dan moaned out loudly, breathing heavily. It was a was pain, but at the same time pleasurable in so many ways. Phil smirked and inserted a third finger in.

"P-Phil now please...", Dan whimpered.

"This might hurt a bit,"Phil whispered into Dan's ear and went all the way in.

Dan jerked up at the sudden movement. Phil went in and out slowly, making sure that Dan wasn't hurt or in pain. Dan's breathing became haggard as he shrieked in pleasure. Phil ducked down to suck on Dan's neck, leaving purple marks all over.

"Oh my God, Phil...", Dan let out a long moan. He was in pure ecstasy.

Phil started increasing his pace, slamming his dick all the way in, hitting Dan's spot. With his free hand, Phil started stroking Dan's hard member at the same time.

"You like that Danny?", Phil whispered seductively.

All Dan managed was a whimper. He was reaching his climax and Phil could tell. He rammed hardly into Dan and the brunette exploded beneath him, Phil doing the same.

Both Dan and Phil gave each other lovingly stares before leaning in for a chaste kiss. "I love you Dan."

"I love you too, Phil."

Phil smiled and pulled Dan close, spooning him while planting small kisses on his hair. Dan sighed and melted into Phil's embrace, smiling widely.

"Thank you Phil."

 

 

I dunno 'bout the smut lmao


End file.
